Air Alamo Exclusive: Nets’ New Owner Offers Pop Job as Head Coach

Our super-secret NBA inside sources tell us that the new owner of the New Jersey Nets made an attempt this weekend to lure Greg Popovich away from the Spurs.  We have managed to obtain an underground copy of the transcript of that meeting.  How did we get this information, and not the other SAS blogs? Well, let’s just say that a certain someone that promises to be a thorn in the side of the new owner, didn’t take lightly to the disparagement of one of his former players and passed the transcript along to said player who then in turn passed it along to us, thinking that of all the Spurs blogs out there, that we are just desperate enough for readership that we would post it no questions asked.  And you know what?  He was right!  Transcript after the jump

Photo Courtesy of YardBarker

Mikhail D. Prokhorov: Ah, Gregor! Come and have a sit. You like vodka, da?

Photo Courtesy of YardBarker

Pop: I’m more of a wine man. You have any vintage California reds?

MDP: I don’t know of what you speak so I will pour glass of best vodka in Russia. I make it from potatoes I squeeze by hand myself.

*hands Pop glass of which he takes a sip*

Pop: God damn…that tastes like money and power with a hint of hand sanitizer.

MDP: What you taste is nectar of winning my hairy friend. We in this Newer Jersey want to offer youopportunity to become coach of greatest team in whole of World.

Pop: The 1980 US Olympic Hockey team?

MDP: I WILL SHOVE MY HAND UP YOUR ASS PUSSY! *clears throat* Forgive for outburst, American team was better and deserve to win.

Pop: Damn straight Lurch.

MDP: You know in Russia a popovich is a, a, um, little cream-filled baked good that childs eat? Do you ever let childs eat you?

Pop: Is that a joke? No, of course not

*gets up to leave*

MDP: Sit, sits, my mistake, sometime I forget that Russia is so different than here

*Pop sits*

Pop: You don’t have to tell me that. Why am I here again?

MDP: Ah, yes commrade, that is the question, Da?

Pop: Da *stone-faced*

MDP: Nevermind that now Gregor, we will talk of many things. You like jetski?

Pop: Do I like jetski? Yes, your plane was quite nice. What kind of wood was that veneer inlay on the seats?

MDP: Nice, da it is made from special African Blackwood bonsai trees that I have had grown special on my estate near the Caspian Sea, takes 1,000 of them to build one seat. Have you ever seen the Caspian Sea Gregor?

Pop: I can’t say that I have Lurch.

MDP: ‘Tis beautiful, my favorite foods in world come from there. When I am hungry sometimes I wade out into the water and grapple with seal or sturgeon, then haul its dead body on to shore and eat it raw. Most delicious. But I not ask about my plane, I say about jetski, you know, small boat. I think you Americans have brand called Sea Dude.

Pop: Oh, jet ski, no I do not like to jet ski.

MDP: Is too bad, I would have you to my estate and we ride side by side

Pop: Thanks for the offer, but like I said I don’t jet ski. Why am I here again?

MDP: Yes, back to business. How you like to coach best young team in league in my Nets?

Pop: Hmmm…that’s a thought.  Say Lurch, I missed the Draft Lottery. You guys got the #1 pick right?

MDP: Nyet, we receive 3rd pick in Draft despite best efforts.

Pop: That’s just peachy Mike. I’ll make you a deal. Since your team got screwed in the lottery, I’ll bring one of my highest paid players. But I get to say what we do with him.

MDP: This is possible. Who you would bring?

Pop: Ya’ see Mike, I’m thinking of bringing Richard Jefferson back to his home in New Jersey. After all, he played his best basketball here. We parade him around, maybe promise him he’ll be the feature guy on your young team. Then, right when he gets comfortable, and I mean back to doin gay shit with Luke Walton, you have your boys send him to the coldest damn Gulag in all of Siberia. Make that guy suffer.

MDP: I flush money down toilet? For what?

Pop: Is shits and giggles a good enough answer?

MDP: I run tight ship here coach. I want to bring Nets to New York and bring about greatest generation of winning since…

Pop: What’s that Lurch? Sorry I was busy lookin’ at this picture of you doin’ lines of coke off the Prime Minister of Mongolia.

MDP: Never mind that, was one of my “lost” weekends. Always good to have pictures around a good for blackmailing, da?

Pop: Da. You should see the one I have of Dirk Nowitski, JJ Barrea, and Mark Cuban

MDP: You know, I lie before when I say I not know what California Red is. My ex-KGB commrades tell me that you have winery here in States, Da?

Pop: Da. *stone-faced*

MDP: When you come work for me, I make sure it is widely distributed in Soviet Uni…er, Russia

Pop: That’s great Lurch, but you’re putting the horse before the cart

MDP: Um, vat?

Pop: I haven’t said for sure I’m coming to coach your pile of shit yet, just offered some conjecture on the topic

MDP: I like you Gregor, must men are too afraid of me to offer such insolence. Well if you do not come join me, your winery may suffer terrible fate

Pop: Listen you Ivan Drago-wannabe Ruskie sonofabitch, I don’t take kindly to threats, veiled or otherwise. Your ex-KGB pals would have done well to tell you a little more of my background. I was “taking care” of Russian Operatives right about the time your bike had training wheels, and about the time you first got it wet I was busy winning my first NBA championship.  As for your job offer, you can load it up on one of your esteemed jet skis and ram it up your lily-white ass. Nothing more will be said of this and no ill shall come to anyone or anything I care about, that is unless you want David Stern to know about you, Boris Yeltsin, and that travelling troupe of midgets…they don’t call me CIA Pop for nothing

* Prokhorov stands dumbfounded with mouth slightly agape*

*Pop turns to leave*

MDP: Wait, do you have Larry Brown’s phone number?

*Door slams*